Pain

This is not easy. My heart is broken. All my friends mean well. They say, "Well you know you can make it through the hard part. You know you can get pregnant."

NO the hard part is carrying the baby! The hard part is losing the baby! *sigh* I have a few friends who have been through this sadness, and they know the grieving process. And for them I am grateful. I will carry this with me for the rest of my life in my heart. We will try again in a few months. For now, I will cherish my little family and take time for myself.
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  God, We remember all babies who have died as a result of miscarriage. We remember all mothers and fathers whose hearts are aching and arms empty, who never had a chance to love or hold their babies. We ask God’s healing to fill the void and emptiness that has been left. Amen
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 My Lord, the baby is dead ! Why, my Lord – dare I ask why ? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face – it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord ?

 “Why, My child – do you ask ‘why’ ? Well, I will tell you why You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty – he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so that the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.” 

 I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool – forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity. 
 -Mother M. Angelica

Loss

So I haven't written in a while and here is why: I had my 10 year high school reunion the last weekend of September. I quite enjoyed seeing what my classmates are doing with their lives. That next week Jeanne stayed at her Noni's house,so Shawn and I enjoyed some alone time, as I knew we needed with my charting. :) On October 19, I knew I was pregnant, and a test confirmed it. I was through the moon!! Watching my temps and chart did work for me. Shawn was so happy also. We began talking with Jeanne about being a big sister. I was planning to announce it to my family on Thanksgiving, because that would allow an ultrasound to have taken place before then. This past weekend I noticed my basal temps to start dropping. Then I started spotting today. I took another test and much to my dismay it was negative. I called the nurse and she had me come in to take blood for HCG, progesterone, and beta levels. But now I am having a period flow. So I am not hopeful for the call tomorrow. I am having a miscarriage. I have cried most of the day. Yes I know I have a beautiful daughter to be thankful for. Yes I know many women go through this. Yes I know I was very early. But it doesn't make it any less real or my heart hurt less. If I hadn't been charting, I probably would have just thought my period was late. My chart says otherwise. I lost my baby. I will be ok. Not today. Probably not tomorrow. But eventually I will. I know I will. I have to believe that. We will try again later. Maybe in a few months. I am not in a hurry.