Pain

This is not easy. My heart is broken. All my friends mean well. They say, "Well you know you can make it through the hard part. You know you can get pregnant."

NO the hard part is carrying the baby! The hard part is losing the baby! *sigh* I have a few friends who have been through this sadness, and they know the grieving process. And for them I am grateful. I will carry this with me for the rest of my life in my heart. We will try again in a few months. For now, I will cherish my little family and take time for myself.
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  God, We remember all babies who have died as a result of miscarriage. We remember all mothers and fathers whose hearts are aching and arms empty, who never had a chance to love or hold their babies. We ask God’s healing to fill the void and emptiness that has been left. Amen
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 My Lord, the baby is dead ! Why, my Lord – dare I ask why ? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face – it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord ?

 “Why, My child – do you ask ‘why’ ? Well, I will tell you why You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty – he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so that the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.” 

 I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool – forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity. 
 -Mother M. Angelica

Loss

So I haven't written in a while and here is why: I had my 10 year high school reunion the last weekend of September. I quite enjoyed seeing what my classmates are doing with their lives. That next week Jeanne stayed at her Noni's house,so Shawn and I enjoyed some alone time, as I knew we needed with my charting. :) On October 19, I knew I was pregnant, and a test confirmed it. I was through the moon!! Watching my temps and chart did work for me. Shawn was so happy also. We began talking with Jeanne about being a big sister. I was planning to announce it to my family on Thanksgiving, because that would allow an ultrasound to have taken place before then. This past weekend I noticed my basal temps to start dropping. Then I started spotting today. I took another test and much to my dismay it was negative. I called the nurse and she had me come in to take blood for HCG, progesterone, and beta levels. But now I am having a period flow. So I am not hopeful for the call tomorrow. I am having a miscarriage. I have cried most of the day. Yes I know I have a beautiful daughter to be thankful for. Yes I know many women go through this. Yes I know I was very early. But it doesn't make it any less real or my heart hurt less. If I hadn't been charting, I probably would have just thought my period was late. My chart says otherwise. I lost my baby. I will be ok. Not today. Probably not tomorrow. But eventually I will. I know I will. I have to believe that. We will try again later. Maybe in a few months. I am not in a hurry.

Week 2 of Bible Study

So this week we started in the book on the chapter called "The Special Call and Gift of Women". In class we watched a video portion of the class and answered questions. We started off with Ephesians 1:3-4, which states, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavens, as he chose us in him, before the foundation of the world, to be holy and without blemish before him." (New American Bible. St. Joseph Edition).

From this passage, we gather that we are the chosen daughters of God. He chose us for the ultimate destiny of eternal life with Him. As we learned in Catechism, God is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. These attributes and the reading in Ephesians tell us that God knew us before we were formed in the womb. He purposefully chose us to be women; our gender was not an accident. Why? We are women to be the love in the world, and through femininity we will attain ever lasting life.

Our special gift as being a woman is to bear life to the world. Within the womb, life takes precedence. God has entrusted human life to be created by us! We are called to be a mother, whether physically or spiritually. Our souls have been made to bring spiritual life to the world. Whether we physically carry a child in our womb, or help foster/adopt a child, or just guide a child through their religious education, we are raising a spiritual life.

Luke 1:26-45 tells the story of Mary learning that she will give birth to our Savior. Gabriel greets her saying, "Hail, favored one! The Lord is with you." God has chosen Mary long before this date to carry life in her womb that would save us. In the next paragraph, Mary visits Elizabeth, who was pregnant for John the Baptist. As soon as Elizabeth heard Mary's voice, the infant jumped for joy in her womb. Elizabeth greeted Mary saying, "Most blessed are you among women, and blessed if the fruit of your womb." Mary is the perfection of the feminine vocation to be mother.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church shows more depth in a study of Mary.  By Mary's faith and obedience, she helped lead the way for Christ to give redemptive grace.  "...Be it done to me according to your word" (Luke 1:38). She unwaveringly said "Yes" to God's request. Carrying Jesus in the womb of our heart may seem like such a feat, but we must remember how Mary so readily carried Jesus in the womb of her body. She is who we should look up to for guidance in our quest of bringing spiritual life to the world.

I encourage you to read the closing statement by Pope John VI said Vatican II. You need to scroll down to where he says "TO WOMEN." It is our job as women of the Catholic church to use the Gospel to help mankind.

I will try to do another blog once I get through the homework. Hopefully I am making sense.

Bible study week 1

Yea so I completely lost track of time last week and didn't write about my first week of Women of Grace Bible Study. It was just an introduction meeting, but I think I have a great group of women. I was a little uncomfortable at first because the leader (who is the DRE of the church) told me that there is a Terra Firma group that is more for the young adults (most of the women there as of then were 50's+). I was hoping she wasn't asking me not to come. Then there were two other women in their early 30's who joined the class. So we will see what this class has to offer! I know we will be learning about our place in the Church as Catholic women. And we will be learning about several female saints.

I will do better about writing what we learned. It will help me to keep track.

On a different note, I am still charting along. Patience is hard. I know we probably didn't get it right this cycle, being my first off birth control. But it is still hard waiting. Waiting for either the 18th day of high temperatures or Aunt Flo. Patience is something I will be praying about in my Bible study!

Learning about me

So far, this journey has taught me a lot. I am reading the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which is a great book by the way! In the first 3 chapters, I have learned so much about myself and what exactly is going on each month. Something I feel all girls/women should know by college (if not before). My mom taught me the basics of "womenhood". I took physiology in college, but obviously didn't pay that much attention. I feel like I should know all this stuff already. If you get the chance, read the book. My coworker gave me a copy. She read it years ago and loved it. It teaches the Fertility Awareness Method, which is so easy to understand.

I have been charting over a month know, and am starting to feel like I am understanding my signs. Only a few minutes a day and putting information on a chart is so easy. I wish I had been doing this earlier. My secondary signs are leaning towards high fertility in the very near future. So we will see! :-) My OPK was positive today too. If it doesn't happen this month, I will not be disappointed. I know that God already has something in store for me and it will happen when He planned for it to. I am excited about seeing all of this learning go to use. If I can accurately chart this month, than next month should be better planning.

At the same time, if it doesn't happen until next month, I wouldn't mind since I have my 10 year high school reunion coming up. I wouldn't mind having a drink with good friends reminiscing!

Planning for LeDoux #2.

So Shawn and I have decided that we are at a point where we are ready for baby #2. So, I am starting to track my cycle, temperature and all that fun stuff. :-) I don't know how long or short it will be. I would like to get in sync with myself before we get pregnant. But if it happens quickly, we will welcome another blessing!

I haven't told anyone, except my mom, that we are trying. I don't want the "So, when is the next baby coming?", "How long have you been trying?", "It is taking you long" and other unnecessary comments from people if we announce we are actively trying. I think this board is a great way to track (respectfully track) our progress with the pregnancy. And I know this is the place to let out frustration and hopefully get thoughts and prayers along the journey.

I joined a Bible study at Christ the King Catholic Church here in Little Rock. It is the Women of Grace Bible Study using DVD lessons taught by Johnnette Benkovic, who will be attending a day long Women's Retreat at the conclusion of the Bible Study. I am very excited about this, since it has been a LONG time since I participated in a Bible Study. And I think this one will fit me great for this part of my life with trying to get pregnant again.

Starting to see the light...

So, on Tuesday night, we sanded the compound and applied a light second coat to spots. I think we finished at 10:00 that night. On Wednesday we sprayed a texture on the walls. Finished about 9:30. I think it looks pretty good. On Thursday night, we were both exhausted and didn't do anything. So tonight we are gonna prime. If i can convince my child that it is bedtime... Stay tuned!


So we did prime that Friday night and Saturday. On Sunday, I bought the paint color and we painted when Jeanne went down for a nap. I bought a great little edger brush which knocked the time in half! Why I didn't buy this for the primer, I have no idea! So here is the finished color:
I like it. Now we are trying to decide about painting the handrails and baseboards to match the color of the countertop and the trim in the rest of the house. I think it will tie it all together, but that project is not on the front grounds! Lol




First, I am trying to decide how to put a curtain on our bay window in the kitchen. I have gotten several suggestions, and haven't tried playing with it yet. I still need to decide on a color/design curtain.
Here is the bay window. For those who read this, what do you think? Should I try to have a rod that follows the window itself? Or just one rod above the windows that is straight across?