Suffering is joy

So one of the books I am trying to keep up with is another devotional called Small Steps for the Catholic Mom. Each day, it gives a thought, prayer, and act. Friday’s topic was on suffering. The act for Friday was to think about one suffering in my life and offer it up to God. 

I am still having a hard time trying to think of what in my life right now would I consider as “suffering.”

The dictionary defines suffering as ‘pain that is caused by injury, illness, loss, etc.: physical, mental or emotional pain.’ The thought from St. Peter Julian Eymard, "As the result of sin, the virtues have become painful to us; we shrink from them because they mean humiliation and suffering. You do not want to be humiliated? Humiliation is an honor, suffering a joy, because Jesus Christ has placed in them true honor and true joy."

I don't feel I have any true sufferings as defined in the dictionary. Pain from illness, injury, loss... Loss... There is my pain. Miscarriage. The loss of a baby. How have I forgotten? Well, not forgotten. I saved those special days in a file, and tucked it inside deep. That time that I had prayed for and finally saw the positive pregnancy test. Those sweet few weeks when a baby nestled deep in my womb. Then after a few questionable days, the dark realization that my dream was lost, the warm feelings ripped from my heart. 

That loss nearly broke me. And I never gave that suffering to God. In my small world, closed off from others, I held it against God. I had prayed for that baby for months, and it was taken away.  "How could you do this to me?" I thought. "Am I not good enough?" I was so angry and sad. I stopped going to church. I turned away from God in my own stubbornness. I was cold towards my husband and our daughter. I was falling in a dark hole...

But somehow, my friends were able to help pull me out. They helped me to see that I was not alone in the loss. They opened my eyes to see the many other women (some I was close to) that had shared the same pain I did, and the others who had not yet been able to feel the joy I held, if even for a short time. It was hard, but I came around. In the worst day, I found out God had answered my prayer. I was pregnant again! And now I hold a beautiful 3 month old chunky little boy. 

I never offered that suffering to God. I posted about it, but never gave it up. So today I offer it up. There is a reason that my baby went to heaven too early. I may never know it. But God is the almighty, my protector, my strength. The saying "God never gives you more than you can handle," is false. God gives us hardships. But he wants us to give those hardships to him, to depend on him for help and nurturing. Only God can completely fill those holes in our hearts. So I give up my suffering to God, for he will bear it for me and through Him, I will have joy. 

Nightmares and Congestion

Did you know babies can have nightmares? Sweet little innocent babies can have nightmares! Two nights in a row, H woke us with the most heart wrenching cry. Each time I quickly swooped him up hoping to calm him. The first night, I called his name after what seemed like an eternity. It was really only a minute or two. His eyes popped open and he had a confused look on his face. 

The second night he cried and cried for about 5 minutes then stopped. Each time, the cry was not a normal "I'm hungry" or "I'm gassy" cry. It turned into almost a scream cry, but it wasn't even his "I hurt" cry. We concluded he must have been having a nightmare.  About what?? What could this sweet boy dream that upset him that much??

Last night he fought an never ending congestion. We keep passing it around. Hearing Jeanne cough at night is hard enough. Hearing my 3 month old cough is terrible. We have the humidifier going, j use nasal saline on him, I put Vick's on his chest and feet. I guess it just needs to run it's course. Any other suggestions!

Parenting is hard

Let me start by saying no, no one ever said it would be easy. But with all the opinions out there, the sideways glances, and don't let me forget the "I did a much better job" looks people throw around, I can see why some people choose not to have kids!

On Christmas Eve, I hauled my two little ones to Mass as Shawn prepared dinner at home. After Mass, some guys walked past me saying, "That baby is freezing."

I replied, "I am trying to hurry," but in my mind I was thinking, "Jerk! Here I am with two kids, struggling to keep them warm while it's 20 degrees outside as we walk across the lot in the dark. Here you are judging me. Thanks for offering to help!"

Not that I would have taken it. He was a stranger. But what happened to chivalry?

Here is my beautiful baby boy napping. He looks like an angel, but all I can think is "Should I take his pacifier out since he is sleeping. Don't want him to get spoiled." As if!! Babies can't be spoiled. At least not at this age. But don't tell the older generation that! They insist you take the pacifier away, let the baby cry, don't hold it so much, etc, because you will spoil baby otherwise. 

Don't even get me started on sleeping arrangements and when/if to let baby go back to sleep on his own. No, H is not in the bed with us, but he is in a sleeper next to my bed. Jeanne was the same as a baby. I moved Jeanne to her room at 3 months. Then for three more months, I stumbled in there every time I heard her cry or to nurse her. At 6 months her pediatrician insisted I stopped nursing in the middle of the night because Jeanne was old enough. So I did. I am not ready to put Hunter in his crib yet even though he is 3 months. He and Jeanne will share a room. It will be hard enough calming him in the middle of the night, much less trying to get Jeanne back to sleep if he wakes. Plus, he has only napped in his crib a time or two. He doesn't sleep very long on his back. He sleeps better on his stomach. The thought of him being in there on his stomach will not help me sleep, so I'd rather keep him in my room a little longer, or until he sleeps for longer periods of time! 

The previous generation thinks baby should be in their own bed from day one. But they don't realize that their grandparents probably co-slept with their parents because that is all the space they had. Why are they in such a rush to let go of the baby stage??

The people who are the worst about opinions are other moms! They alone could make you feel like you are doing a terrible job and make you wonder if you are cut out for raising kids to begin with! I have learned to tune out others' opinions, but I am sure this is hard for a new mom. Breast vs. formula is the hardest argument. I personally promote breastfeeding if at all possible. But as long as you are feedin your baby, and your baby is happy, it doesn't matter!

Ok. Rant over.

Sleep and stupid sayings

I'm sure you have heard this saying "Make sure you get sleep now before the baby comes..." You will hear it more towards the end of pregnancy. Such a stupid saying. You are getting up several times a night for the bathroom. How is that good sleep? And it doesn't matter how much you sleep before baby gets here. It's not like your body stores the sleep away for later when you need it.

Here is another one "Sleep when the baby does." Sure. It works if your baby is a good sleeper. And mine kinda is. But seriously, I feed him at 10 PM. He sleeps 10:30-2. I sleep 11-2 maybe, if I fall asleep quickly. Then another feeding. Then maybe sleep 3-530 (not this morning bc I couldn't fall back asleep. Then another feeding. Then in the day time, he will take 30 minute cat naps. Don't sleep much then. Stupid saying. Ok that's my rant for the day. Lol

Nursing

So we have been adjusting to the new baby and big sister for 2 weeks now. We can only go one day at a time. Jeanne is doing good, wanting to help a little more than she needs to. We have to remind we daily about certain things she can't do. But overall, I think she is doing good with him.

For the last week, Hunter has had the fussy period each evening from ~5-10, varying each night. He is hard to calm, wanting to nurse constantly, and is hard to get to sleep. Last night, he nursed every hour-hour and a half. He would then act like I was out of milk (though it was not), and pull off getting mad. I was at the point of having Shawn fix a bottle of formula when he finally fell asleep. He won't even take a pacifier. I was at my wits end. I was certain we would be switching to formula full time today. 

I had a list of reasons to switch, including the fact that he cracked my nipple already, he fights one breast and prefers the other, I am tired of being the only one to feed him, and I hate the pump. 

But of course, my reasons to continue nursing outweigh those negative reasons. I know that nursing is the best option for us, so I will work through the rough patches. Having my husband by my side encouraging me is very helpful.

Hunter's Birth Story

We are so very excited to announce the birth of our son Hunter James. Here is how he came into the world (fair warning, TMI for some).

Hunter was due on Monday, Septemer 30. I had an OB checkup October 3rd. I wasn't dilated more than 2 cm. We planned a non-stress test for the following Monday, and said if he wasn't here by then, we would set a date for induction (we weren't going past 42 weeks of course). By this point I tried all the wives tails to naturally induce labor (pineapple, spicy food, intimacy with husband, stimulation, etc) and nothing worked.

On Friday, October 4 evening, the mucous passed. My husband and I tried once more to see if we could get things going. The next morning, I woke up with a contraction at 6:24 AM, went to the bathroom and saw the "show." I called my mom and she was on her way up.

By 7:30, the contractions were 30 minutes apart. They stayed that way for about 2 hours. Then they moved to about 20 minutes apart. They were this way about 2 hours. At 11:40, they were hitting 12-15 minutes and were getting stronger. By 1:30 they were 7 minutes apart. When my doula arrived at 2:15, they had been 3-4 minutes apart. She checked and I was 5 cm. Off to the hospital we went!!

At 2:50, the nurse at the hospital checked and I was 7 cm. Time was flying! I got into the labor tub for about 30 minutes and could feel a lot of pressure with the contractions. With that next check,  I was 9.5 cm and got ready for pushing. I was able to push in several positions, and worked hard at that for a little over an hour. At 5:15 PM, Dr. Jones broke my water and Hunter was born at 5:25 PM. As we learned in the class, at the end I felt like nothing I was doing was good and I just kept asking for them to take him out, that I couldn't do it anymore. My husband, who was a wonderful support this whole time, and my doula Amy, as well as the nurses and Dr. Jones kept telling me I was almost done and I was doing great. I did manage to make it through unmedicated. I think I succeeded because my labor went so quickly; I didn't have a choice at the end because it was too late!

Here is our boy Hunter, weighing 8lbs 12 oz!! Our little family is overjoyed! Thank you so much Cora for this class. Without it, I wouldn't have made it through labor as easily. I remembered all the relaxation techniques. I did have a focal point when I started pushing, but I lost it as I allowed the pain to take over. That may be why I got scared at the end. Doesn't matter because he is here!

Unconditional

So, I am getting closer to the end!! I still have 2 weeks until my due date, so I am doing my best not to be impatient or complain about being “ready” to go. I am having the end of pregnancy pains and aches, but I know each one is my body working to prepare for the big day. We are all getting very excited for our little one’s arrival. Jeanne thinks she is ready, but I don’t think she fully understands what it means to have a baby in the house. All the babies we have over all go home at some point. LOL

So I have been continuing my prayers and focusing on our marriage since I completed the Wife After God devotional. I feel like I am doing a great job of opening my heart completely to my husband more. Of course I still catch myself falling back sometimes. Then today, someone posted on my Facebook wall a list Five Deadly Terms Used By A Woman. That person told me I should show it to my husband. I deleted it pretty quickly, so I can’t remember what all it said. I think one was “Wow. This is not a compliment. She’s amazed that one person could be so stupid.” I deleted it because I don’t think it’s funny, and I do not need to share it with my husband. After all the soul searching I have done to help myself be a better person, wife, mother, the last thing I want is for someone to see that and comment to my husband about it.

I try to not let issues get to me and then be bitter towards him because I don’t think he deserves my love, like I used to. I do my best to mean what I say in conversations to him, and love unconditionally.This is a very hard concept to take on if you truly think about it. I think it is even harder to like unconditionally. I have always heard people say “I love you, but I don’t like you right now.” It is very easy to fall into that, thinking that your husband doesn’t deserve your full affection right now because he _______ (fill in the blank). Through the bible passages, readings, and continuous blog posts by others, I have realized that train of thought is ridiculous. Would I want God to say, “Ada doesn’t deserve my love and attention today because she did ________”? NO!! If I had a conversation with Jesus admitting my sins, would I want him to say “That’s ok,” and him mean “I am thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake”?? NO!! We are told in Matthew 18:21-22, “Then Peter went up to him and said, 'Lord, how often must I forgive my brother if he wrongs me? As often as seven times?'  Jesus answered, 'Not seven, I tell you, but seventy-seven times.” So how is it ok for me to hold things against my husband when I am hoping that Jesus forgives me for my fallouts, forgetfulness, negativity, and sins?

So I challenge you to not “like” or even comment on such postings, pictures, shares, etc. that have women talking down on men/husbands. If someone ever posts such things on your wall (if you have social media), please delete them. This is not a good representation of how women should act.