Sorrow

I have to write on a dry erase board the date so I can remember. The days are passing all in one it seems. Manhattan's official "stay at home" order began on March 28, but we had the order that school was closed since March 16.  So I feel like I have been trapped in this box for a month. I have only left a few times to pick up grocery orders or the kids supplies from school. Our weather is up and down, so even though it's Spring, we don't get to go outside everyday because it was a high of only 50 yesterday with winds. I found out yesterday that because of the economic impact this virus has had on our small town, and because of the lack of tax revenue this quarter, all Manhattan park and rec services (including youth sports, swimming, summer camps, etc.) are cancelled for the summer.

I know this is hard on my children. They were on their way back from spring break and then forced into this new reality, without even getting a chance to see their friends from school one more time. I am struggling with this. I wasn't a very outgoing or extrovert to start with, but this new normal has got me feeling the walls here lately.

People are crying for bans to be lifted for "necessity" of life. Meaning, the economy will tank if we can't get people back to work. Well, the economy will tank if we get people back to work before we have a vaccine or can effectively quarantine this virus, because it will spread all over again in a second wave. I don't know when things will be lifted. As much as I want to get out, I don't want to go anywhere because I can't risk bringing this virus back to my house. Who would help me out? Seriously. I wouldn't ask a friend to watch my kids so my husband can still put food on the table while I'm sick in bed. I don't have family here that could help. Nor would I risk them.

My mom suggested we take two trips down to south Louisiana this summer in light of all our facilities being closed. I'm not even sure our first trip will happen. It will take a lot to convince me that travel is necessary for a while. I read an article today that the EU proposes to keep the elderly under lockdown until 2021 for their safety. So grandparents not being able to see their grand or great-grand children. No hugs. That is just awful. I have been able to Zoom with my girlfriends in the evenings and for Bible study, but even that isn't touching the emotional loss I'm beginning to feel.

And all of this sorrow means nothing compared to what others have gone through. Anne Frank hid with her family during the Nazi occupation in a small attack for 761 days. 761 days! Here I am after only a few weeks feeling sorry for myself. I have a phone, internet, cameras, instant access to still see the world and people in it. Anne was cramped in the attack with her family and four other people, where she had to remain quiet and was scared. They had no idea what their tomorrow would hold. We can still go run and play. How selfish am I to feel sorry for this pandemic taking away my "freedom!" God is trying to make us grow closer to our families and Him through this time.

I will say my biggest sadness is on Sunday's not being able to receive the Eucharist. I partake in Mass by watching it faithfully with my kids on Sunday morning, and we say the Spiritual Communion prayer, but I still feel something is missing. When this is over, I will do my darnedest to never again be resentful about having to wake up early to see God in his house.  I give praise daily for the things I do have: health, house, children, food, breath. Life is not over. Jesus is risen. It is Easter. We are in a rebirth again. And once this virus is done, our lives will start anew. I pray that the world sees this opportunity to be thankful for what they were given by God, and realize they need Him now more than ever.